Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february