HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”