Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
You Might Also Like
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.