*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
early stone age tool
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.