“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Hitlers gonna hitl