Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The Assassin.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Never let them know your next move 😂
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.