@Ivsy01: Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.
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@alrightbob: "Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
@AmishPornStar1: The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
@ermahgarton: MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone* JUDGE: he's got a point