Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)