Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
こいつ天才
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.