@unravelingfire: Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
@BDGarp: I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
@Cheeseboy22: Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That'll show em'.
@brittwastaken: "Why don't you love me anymore?" I sob as I gather my belongings. "Is it because of the kleptomania?" I cry as I put your cat in my purse.