@unravelingfire: Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@whatmaddness: Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn't look right. "Oh god. Are these her bones?!"
@goldengateblond: Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
@HenpeckedHal: To the people who tell expectant parents to "stock up on sleep while you can," please know that's not how sleep works.
@internetluke: [finds money in jacket] nice [finds more money in pants] Today is my day. On a roll Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?