Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
A little too much information.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him