Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Raisins are grape jerky.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time