Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.