Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls