Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers