HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.