Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*