Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
You Might Also Like
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Home is where your toilet is.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*checks Timeline*…
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.