Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm