Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.