Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.