Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart