Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
i hope my email finds you on fire
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Don’t touch that.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….