Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Bit chilly again tonight.
I don’t know what to do
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.