Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Milk Cube
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
when there are deer in the woods
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.