Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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Lunatics are gonna loon.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.