if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
$4 #usedbooks
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.