Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Mornin
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
the answer was staring at me all along
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I can fix him.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.