Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
You Might Also Like
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
back to work
seems fine
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.