Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself. Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.

@mc_funbags: People say that Twitter is pointless but it's teaching my children to be self sufficient.

64

@egg_dog: like people say things like 'tuna fish' but not 'duck bird' or 'dad father'

77

@NicCageMatch: Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

1

@shutupmikeginn: 'Pampers' is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

1

@MarionDowling: Are you Eminem? Let's find out...

1

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