*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
This is the best one I’ve seen
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.