Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.