Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Breaking news:
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
A choir of Spring onions
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine