HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.