HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
You Might Also Like
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.