Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Midwest trash talk
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I am never leaving this website
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.