Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch