Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You Might Also Like
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.