Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Flowers bee like
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.