Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My blood type is coffee.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.