Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
You Might Also Like
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Many hands make light work
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Have kids, they said
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.