I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!