Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
This is my pinned tweet
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country