Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
guys I’m going home
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Dietest Coke
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Succinctly put.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.