Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
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[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to