HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard