HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk