GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
#Caturday
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!