Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
this article brought to you by lions
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My first son he is wonderful
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.