7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien