HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
New Tinder profile.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”