Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
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My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
oh you like architecture? name three walls