Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
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do u think theres a butter planet?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?